Monday, 6 February 2012


I want to snuggle.  I want to feel arms around me, comforting.  I should have snuggled with Bry before he got his girlfriend, cause to ask now would be kinda awkward.

There's a guy at work, let's call him Blinky, I have the biggest... I think 'squish' is the Ace term.  But he's the only guy in a long time I've considered trying sex with.  Not that I'd ever have a chance with him.  He's just like Cam, only more mature with more baggage, and not punk.  Told him I was Ace at the pub (and explained it, of course), and he wasn't disgusted or anything, took it so well, I was surprised.  I was disappointed when I drove him home and he didn't ask me in, even though (even) I would have known what he meant.  He's a really nice guy, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.  I didn't want any of this.  Idiot.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012


Get back to my computer after having a smoke and Paint It Black is on.  Oh, and I went out and got alcohol.  :/


Is it possible to become an instant alcoholic?  I've always been a social drinker, and not a fan of being drunk, but I can't get it out of my head.  I want a drink - or 10 - now, and it's driving me nuts.  What the hell?  Seriously, this is not me.  Last time I got trashed I cried myself to sleep - and left my friends house to sleep in my car rather than stay on the couch and listen to her and her bf argue, and the time before that I was home alone and ended up cutting again, so why do I want to drink myself to sleep? First world problems again.  Maybe I will ask Mark for that shrink's phone number.

Blog - blog.

So yeah, not exactly frequent updates, but meh.  Pissed off a little that I got down to 89.05 last Saturday, and now I'm back up at 92.  Then again, Friday night I pretty much evacuated everything from multiple orifices in a drunken stupor, so maybe that has something to do with the sudden loss lol.
I'm reading a SG:A fanfic where John has to write a journal, and it reminded me its been a while since I update this, so here it is.
So my friend Cameron died the other week.  It's my first death (cousin and grandma died when I was a kid, but I don't really remember them).  Took it pretty badly, went to the funeral, hated myself because I was 'over it in a week', then got drunk last Friday and ended up in a public bathroom crying my eyes out.  The person I would consider my best friend is being less that friend-like in regards to this.  It's funny, her and her bf have all the time for our other friend - slut bitch of a woman - and she tells me all her problems, yet this major thing happens to me and it's like nothing.  Oh, and she owes me $500 and they went and bought a $700 puppy.  WTH?  She know I need new tyres for my car.
So at the work Christmas party thing I got a bit drunk (goddamn team leader kept buying me drinks, 'twas a good night though) and the team leader... let's call him BCM and I D&Med a whole lot, and he reckoned I should see a shrink, and he's got the number of a good one that he sees.  I laughed it off, and hadn't really thought again about it, but now I'm wondering.  Do I have all these issues with food, my sexuality, social phobias etc, or is it all First World Problems?
I don't know.  /headdesk.
Still haven't returned to Fitday.